My name is Constance Ann Fitzgerald and I’m addicted to Disney Princesses.
There, I’ve said it.
I’m 26 years old and I still have to talk myself out of purchasing all kinds of trivial items because there is a big fucking Cinderella painted on the side. Or more recently a Belle teacup. I NEEDED it for my morning coffee! Not every morning can be a Swamp Thing morning. Sometimes a girl needs to feel fancy…and 8 years old.
I once got in a fight with a little girl at the Disney Store in Fiesta Mall in Mesa, AZ because I was gawking at their selection of Princess Barbies.
“Why is Tinkerbell a princess barbie? She wasn’t a princess.” I said to my friend.
“Yes she was.” interjected a little girl standing near by.
“NO she wasn’t” I snapped.
“She was princess of the fairies!”
“She was JUST a fairy!”
My friend grabbed my arm and told me she was finished shopping.
Thank god. That shit could have escalated. Then I’d be doing hard time for shoving a Tinkerbell doll down some little girl’s throat and beating her parents with the nearest giant Mickey Mouse effigy for raising such an ignorant child, instead of sharing this with you now.
I’m not sure which you would prefer. Weigh it out.
So last week when I went to the local discounted food store, because my period SERIOUSLY required a frozen pizza, I could not walk by the display of 99 cent Princess valentines. I tried. But c’mon! They were only a fucking DOLLAR!
I didn’t even look at them. I just grabbed them and continued along my way to appease the cheese craving menstrual beast that dwells within.
I thought that maybe I would give out valentines this year. It isn’t something I usually do. I sit around and gripe about how much I dislike this Hallmark holiday and how all it does is make single people feel kind of shitty.
The typical cliche, bitter, perpetually single girl bullshit.
Well, fuck a big bunch of that.
It’s been one hell of a year. Ups and downs, just like everyone else. But my ups are SO fucking good. So, why not share my own brand of creepy love?
I decided to alter the cards with whatever odds and ends I had in my craft bag. I’m pretty pleased with what came out of an hour or so of decorating with whatever was on hand.
Despite the unforgivable princess swap. I mean, who really gives a flying fuck about the Frog Princess? WHERE THE FUCK IS ARIEL?!?! That’s what happens at the used food store.
Click to enlarge images
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- “He loves me for my MIND!”
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- Googly eyes make everything better
To make it more fun, only two of them are really MEANT for specific people. Everyone else just has to close their eyes and pick one from the envelope.
If you’re a local, stop by and pick one out. If not, I can probably send you one.
I spent the actual holiday eating burritos with friends and watching Battlestar Galactica. Valentine’s Day isn’t so bad after all.
