Rant: The Woman/ Fifth Grade Psychopaths

I watched a film called The Woman last night. While the acting was kind of weak and the story had its flaws, it definitely freaked me the fuck out.

Sure, there were two gore scenes (TWO!) that made me wonder if I was going to vomit. A rarity for a gore-hound like myself. But really, it was the central idea of the movie. Some horrible, sadistic, wife-beating, daughter-raping LAWYER finds a feral woman in the woods and TRAINS her to be civilized by chaining her up in his woodshed, firing a gun off next to her head, starving and raping her. He beats his wife when she protests, sets rabid dogs on the teacher of his incestuously impregnated daughter when she comes to their home, and goes on a rant about how women are no fucking good at all.

All the while his son is watching. Learning not only to NOT value women as people, but to loathe them in that extra special serial killer kind of way, as is demonstrated when he thinks no one is home, goes into the wood shed and tears off the feral woman’s nipple with a pair of pliers. Which, of course, is condoned by his shit-bag father.
Yes, it was a horror film. It wasn’t the gore that was horrifying, it was this sick, sadistic man teaching his son his “values” and seeing him take to it like a fish in water.

And then today I come upon this article on Jezebel and I can’t help but wonder how much of this real life horror story is learned behavior?

The world gets sicker every day.

Deathdealer

Reblogged from Bizarro Central:

by Constance Ann Fitzgerald

Henry Rollins put on his fancy three piece suit to play a more businessman like version of the Grim Reaper.

At first I thought it was only awesome because I have crazy Rollins lust.

Turns out, it's just a really cool short flick.

The Fly (who has nothing to do with Jeff Goldblum)

If you asked the fly, whose life I saved yesterday, about the spider whose legs I broke and crushed before drowning this morning, he wouldn’t believe you.

You would tell him how I stepped into the shower and felt eight little legs break under my weight. How I lifted my foot and saw its crippled, semi crushed body stuck to the bottom of the bathtub. How I flinched a little when I washed him down the drain and then went about my regular morning routine.

He would be appalled.
Just yesterday I left an inch of melted whipped cream and milkshake slurry in the bottom of a plastic cup on the counter while I went to the restroom. When I came back there was a large black fly struggling in the sticky puddle at the bottom. The same fly that buzzed around my head, while I was reading or typing, for what felt like the last several weeks. Weighed down by sugar and cream, he fell on his back and was not able to roll over. I watched him flail about on his back for a minute and thought of poking at him with my straw. But I felt bad for him. I positioned the straw so that he could grab a hold of it with his six little feet. At first he drew back towards the opposite side of the cup. He must have thought I was going to crush him. I put the straw next to him and turned the cup on its side. He wrapped his feet around the plastic and shambled up the straw. He paused at the top, unsure of leaving the cup and its bounty behind. I tore off a small piece of a paper towel, set it next to him and looked away. When I looked back he was frantically rubbing his appendages together and over his face, cleaning himself like a hamster. He was using the smallest corner of the paper towel.

A man walked through the door so I picked up the cup and tapped the straw on the towel to shake him loose. He was not pleased, but I couldn’t very well have trash on the counter when customers come in. The fly hopped about on the glass while I greeted the customer and tried to slide the paper towel under it. It eventually got pissed off at me and buzzed a few feet away.

I finished my conversation with the customer and checked the counter for the fly.  In front of a plastic tub of edible body paint and bullet vibrators was the tattered half of a wing and sticky little speckles trailing off the counters’ edge.

Now Available: The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction (Issue Seven)

Reblogged from Bizarro Central:

The premier magazine of the bizarro genre.

Issue seven features the novella "Noah's Arkopolis" by David W Barbee short fiction by David Agranoff, Molly Tanzer, Andrew Wayne Adams, Shane McKenzie and Dustin Reade, comics by Andrew Goldfarb and SCAR, articles by Constance Ann Fitzgerald, Carlton Mellick III, Kirsten Alene Pierce, Garrett Cook and Bradley Sands, a spotlight on author Jordan Krall, reviews, and more!

Read more… 12 more words

Several of my CREEPS are in the new issue of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction alongside a slew of killer authors! Pretty excited to see this <3

Attack of the Photo Blog: BizarroCon 2012 Edition!

BizarroCon is an annual event held just outside Portland Oregon. Bizarros travel from all over the place to do workshops, attend readings and performances, meet, drink Rose O’Keefe’s amazing beer, talk shop and connect. This year we not only had people  from all over the country, but from Spain, Australia and England. We’re going international, bitch!

It’s a beautiful experience.
2012 was my third year in attendance and the sense of community never ceases to amaze and overwhelm me. The deep gratitude for everyone being a part of it resonates through the internet as soon as we all return home.

My first year: I was nervous and excited.
Completely blown away by a talented and beautiful community of artists, my heart swelled, exploded, reassembled and wanted nothing more than to be a part of it.

My second year: Terrified in the best possible way.
Published under NBAS for a year “trial”. Excited, proud, honored, determined.

My third year: Beyond grateful.
Signed to Eraserhead Press for a three year contract. Officially part of Eraserhead Press. Heart is again swollen with joy.

That’s right. For all of you who have been wondering how my NBAS trial went: I GOT IT!
EHP is signing me to a THREE YEAR CONTRACT!

I am still in shock.

First off, thank you.
Thank you to anyone who bought a copy (or copies) of Trashland A Go-Go, wrote a review, shared a link, told a friend and supported me in this endeavor. My sales were so much better than I could have dreamed. It means so VERY much to me.
Thank you to everyone at EHP for welcoming me.
Thank you to my fellow NBAS 2011- 2012 authors who were the best possible group to work with.Especially Spike Marlowe for her ridiculously thoughtful gift this weekend <3  I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive and loving group to work with. I look forward to working with them for years to come.

Extra warm and fuzzy thank you to Kevin Shamel for all his hard work, being there, and just believing in me in general. His faith in me was a huge motivation to me over the last year.

I committed  the last year of my life to Trashland, the NBAS, and Bizarro as a whole and it paid off in the most fan-fucking-tastic way.
In 2006 my brother Kevin lent me copies of Teeth and Tongue Landscape and Angeldust Apocalypse. I was an instant fan. I never dreamed that I would get to be PART of this. And now I am and I couldn’t possibly be any fucking happier.

When I sat down in the very last row of seats on my flight home from Portland, I stared  out the window worrying about the weather because I HATE flying, and suddenly it hit me. I have a contract. They signed me. They want ME. I get to be a part of this.
I’ll spare you the weepy details. Let’s just say I was really glad I was sitting alone at the very back of the plane.

It’s very exciting, but it also means that I have a lot of work to do.
I can’t wait!

The rest of the weekend was a blast as always. I did the High Concept Workshop run by Jeff Burk on Friday morning and my pitch was “purchased” the most with Bizarro Currency- some sweet dinosaur trading cards.

Then it was off to the Writing for a Cult Audience workshop with Carlton Mellick III. I now belong to a publisher that hands out booklets like this:

The advice, in case you were wondering, is totally awesome and shit.
I also belong to a publisher that wants all of it’s authors to succeed. A publisher who believes in publishing authors, not books. What does that mean? It means they care about the author. It means they want to nurture that talent and brand. It means they are exactly where I want to be.

The rest of the weekend we had panel discussions, readings, art, dinners and the ULTIMATE Ultimate Bizarro Showdown! The Showdown is usually hosted by Jeremy Robert Johnson, but this year we were graced with the hosting talents of Famous Author Mykle Hansen. That man is a fucking delight. Every time Mykle opens his mouth I love him a little more.

Now there is nothing left to do but wait for next year and blow up Kevin’s inbox with story pitches.

This is also the Winter of the Desk. Three years in a row I have listened to authors on panel talk about how important it is to have a space to work in. Hell, I bought, read, and adored A Room of One’s Own. I should have gotten it a while ago. But I always had the excuse of “not having space”. Well, not a goddamn thing is being done with the giant box of dvds between my dresser and my overstuffed bookcase. Time to get my head back on straight. It’s been a really rough couple of months with working two jobs, the passing of my mother and working toward this contract. This weekend was exactly what I needed. I feel recharged, and I know I am not the only attendee who feels that way. Because it’s part of what we do there.

I could go on for days about every little thing, and how Wonderland Award Winning Author Laura Lee Bahr is the most fun roommate in the entire fucking world, even if she makes you cry when she wins things she very much deserves and drinks atrocious beverage concoctions. Then this blog would never end, so I’ll leave you with a photo gallery and a whole mess of captions.
Thanks again to everyone who made this event what it is. It’s meant a lot to me over the last few years, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
360 DAYS ‘TIL BIZARROCON!

click images to enlarge

I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep. When I conceded defeat and sat up my hair looked like this

Jill was kind enough to drive me to the airport. She brought Pork Chop. Because she knows me <3

Obligatory Golden Gate photo

The Elevator of Judgement Returns

Laura Lee Bahr and I stayed in the Chris Isaak suite

A portrait of Chris Isaak in our room

Chris Isaak portrait II

BizarroCon Program

My bio in the BizarroCon program.

Name badge

Earlier in the year the NBAS competed against each other for the most reviews on amazon. The reward was a batch of homemade root beer from our friend and editor Kevin Shamel. This is that root beer. And it was MINE!

Bizarro Currency

My favorite dinosaur card

2nd favorite

Spike and Rose- Bizarro Detectives!

Kirsten Alene educates us about murderous unicorns

Shane McKenzie is coming for you!

all the noodles!

Shane McKenzie’s trophy- Noodle Shoes!

Thank god this card was removed from Shane McKenzie’s performance

Noodle clean up

Refrigerator at the Ad House. There is a dick touching my root beer.

“Andersen Prunty is a super giraffe” – notes i found stuck to Spike Marlowe’s jacket. (I took the photo before telling her about them)

Andrew Goldfarb/ The Slow Poisoner playing in the Ad House

Laura Lee Bahr smells like Keene spirit

This Kevin L Donihe wallpaper was heavily circulated during the con. It is still set as mine.

Alan M Clark preps his canvas

a controlled accident from Alan M Clark

Alan M Clark paints a portrait of Jeff Burk with Jeff’s dreadlocks

I took a break from all the excitement and had some coffee on the porch.

Kevin L Donihe prepares to take us on his art walk

“It’s the rare black leprechaun!”

creepycute

Apparently Bright Eyes played at the Edgefiled back in 2007. I’d have killed to have been there

Ceiling Cat

Some of the artwork at the Edgefield is unsettling.

Brian Keene

We’re really enthused.

Off-brand Vienna sausage eating contest.

It smells as bad as it looks

Gettin’ at it

R.I.P. Scatological Elitist Obsessed with Lightening Bolts

The Jeremy Robert Johnson pinata saw a disturbing amount of action.

Conjoined triplets

Hand puppet

Tiffany Pedro Tirado

Michael Allen Rose and the JRJ Pinata.

Mr T books for children. He pities the foo’ who steals.

Michael Carey’s look is greatly improved after some styling by Kirsten Alene.

stunning print from Alan M Clark. (some jerk won it during the breakfast raffle)

The fate of the JRJ pinata.

Vince Kramer’s penis

Slambook illustration from Kevin Shamel

A Wendy’s employee at the PDX location. It just seems cruel. Not pictured :pantaloons. (I’m not kidding)

I HATE flying. So, of course it had to be stormy for my departure. The turbulence was so bad that I could feel the plane drop a few inches whenever we hit an air pocket of gust of wind. I was convinced we were going to fall out of the sky. So I curled up, closed my eyes, pretended i was in a car on a shitty road and forced myself to take a nap.

When I woke up the sky looked like this and I was still alive.

 

Several images were poached from C. V. Hunt and Tiffany Pedro Tirado. Thanks ladies!

Art for All Hallow's Eve: Vincent Castiglia

Reblogged from Bizarro Central:

by Constance Ann Fitzgerald

I’ve been incredibly lazy. I’ve been on the couch or in bed watching tv shows and movies and not doing much else that could be deemed “productive” in any way. Since our stolen cable has officially been shut off, I depend on Netflix to entertain me during my laying about. Once I finished watching all the episodes of 30Rock for the seventieth time, it was suggested that I watch a show called…

Read more… 214 more words

Six Days, Eighteen Days, ALL the Days.

October 22nd  was the 1 year anniversary of the publication of my first novella, Trashland A Go-Go.  That’s pretty damn exciting. WHAT a year it’s been!
It’s been full of excitement and, more recently, some sadness. But as my year long trial with the New Bizarro Author Series comes to a close, I can’t help but be excited.

In 18 days I will be reunited with my fellow NBASers at the 5th annual BizarroCon and we will find out what the next year holds for us. THAT is even more exciting! I’m keeping all of my appendages crossed in anticipation.

We entered into this series, all vying for a contract with Eraserhead Press and the process has been incredible. I got to have my first novella published, which seems to have been pretty well received. I got to read multiple reviews of my work and see what other people drew from my words, which was a REALLY interesting experience.  I gained many friends and, what I feel, is a second family.

Although the eight NBAS authors are all technically competing for contracts, there was virtually ZERO rivalry. We swapped sources, reviews, interviews and were generally a support system for each other over the course of the year. As corny as it may sound, the connection that formed between us was undeniable. I hope it is this way for all the previous NBAS authors, as well as those to come.

There are only SIX days left to purchase our books to have them count toward our sales goals. Help out some aspiring authors and pick up a few new books today! Click HERE to purchase any/all of the 2011 New Bizarro Author Series releases. I’d love for all of us to succeed.
If the thought of making EIGHT dreams come true isn’t enticing enough for you, all NBAS 2011 releases are available under the 4 for the price of 3 deal! Cha-CHING!