Grimbolina in Stripperland: A Justin Grimbol Adventure

While finishing up my morning correspondence (or…you know, fucking off on facebook) I received a message from my friend and NBAS author Justin Grimbol, who I have vowed to refer to as “Grimbolina” because it makes him sound like a fuzzy pixie, that said
“I had a wacky strip club adventure and I thought of your book.When I went to bed I was like, ‘Man, I hope I don’t wake up in a crazy trash world.’

If Grimbolina thought is was wacky, then I REALLY needed to know what happened.

“It was a fun night. I went with my buddies. Each one of us met a stripper that seemed designed for us. I met a metal head that helps set up horror conventions. My hippy friend met a stripper that wanted to be an organic farmer. My other buddy, met a a girl that loved hot pockets. I gave metal head chick a dollar when she was dancing and she started basically molesting me on stage, it was magical. My hippy friend started telling his hippy stripper about Maine and how beautiful it was and then she started to cry. That was strange.

I spent most of the night nerding out about horror movies with metal head girl. The experience was downright wholesome. The next morning we called our girlfriends.

Each had a different reaction. Hippy friend’s girl just thought it was cool. She seemed proud of my buddy. My girlfriend is used to me going to strip clubs. Ben’s girl was like ‘Fuck you! You better buy me so many presents!’
I also met this weird chubby couple that lived in the woods behind the strip club. They were nice. “

It was brought to my attention that Mr. Grimbol has TONS of fantastic strip club stories:
“There was the time i spent $700 in strip clubs in Key West. The fat guy I saw cum in his pants in NY, the time my fiance and I got kicked out of strip club in Oregon; Heather got up on stage and dudes started throwing money at her. She got really sad when we got kicked out. I can’t believe I never told you any of these stories.”

But never fear! He will! And they will be shared with you! Check back here for more adventures with Grimbolina!
If you can’t wait until then, check out his blog Butt Shark University!

The Opposite of Barbie: The Photography of Mariel Clayton

Reblogged from Bizarro Central:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

by Constance Ann Fitzgerald

When most people think of Barbie they think of something like this:

Pink, girly and filled with fashionable sweetness.

While that is all well and good for little girls (or older girls clinging to nostalgia) doll photographer Mariel Clayton has some more interesting visuals lined up for you.

Which is really just the tip of the iceberg.

Read more… 28 more words

An article I posted to Bizarro Central a while back. I just really wanted Clayton's work to be featured here too.

An Evening with Henry Rollins – 3/29/12

Thursday night my sister and I ate a delicious dinner at the New Yorker, and then hopped in line at the Mystic Theater in Petaluma to see Henry Rollins spoken word performance.

The last two times I have gone to see Rollins live, I have had people ask me if he would be performing as a comedian or a musician. He’s a funny guy, but you can’t really call it comedy. (When was the last time he toured as a musician anyways?) They call it “spoken word” because that is exactly what it is. A man, a microphone, and a captive audience.

Some of the things he talks about aren’t funny at all. For instance, he opened the show by discussing the Trayvon Martin case. There isn’t much humor to be found in that unless you are a complete asshole.
He talked about how things like this make him think of Abraham Lincoln  and how a man with all of a years’ worth of schooling could write the most magnificent string of words (gulp) and how he agreed that America’s greatest threat is itself. Thousands of people die of heart disease, lower respiratory infections, and park themselves in front of the television all the while allowing themselves to turn into greasy balloon people.

And he wants better for us.

Beneath all the scowling and bulging neck muscles there is a man who cares deeply for his fellow man. A man who hears that a foreign country “hates our freedom” and immediately books a flight to that country. To find out for himself. What he’s found is that no matter where he goes or how messed up their government, the people there are good.

This is a man who actually answers his own fan mail. Which is no easy task when you’re getting e-mails from guilt ridden war vets asking you to talk them out of blowing their brains out, and young virgin women sending you nude photos of themselves asking if “anyone will ever be attracted” to them.

But he does it. With honesty, devotion and thought.

He tours relentlessly and has an unflinching affection and dedication to his fans, as any great icon should. (Without your fans, you’re no one.)

Henry entered the theater at 8pm sharp. When he took the stage and the lights came up, he wrapped the mic cable around his fist like he was ready to rock out furiously.

He talked rapidly for THREE full hours without even a sip of water.

30-45 minutes after his performance ended he emerged from the back door of the theater looking positively exhausted. But he STILL stood outside to talk to all of the fans waiting for autographs.
The first to greet him was a really drunk guy who told Henry that when he opened the show and said he had never been to Petaluma before, he was wrong. And would he please sign his dog tags with sharpie, so that his drunken, sweaty, palm could rub it off mere seconds later.

When he turned to me I blurted out how I met him a few years ago in Santa Rosa and he wrote in my moleskine “WRITE EVERY DAY- HENRY ROLLINS”

I managed to rattle out, that I DID write everyday (or tried to) and now I am a published author. I handed him a copy of Trashland A Go-Go. He looked at it, ready to sign it. He eyed the cover.

“Oh! This is YOU!” he said
“It is!”
“Congratulations,” he said, “it’s really hard to get published.”
“It is. Thank you.” I stuttered.
Henry Rollins put my book in his back pocket and continued to sign autographs and pose for photos with fans. Since this is such a long tour, and such a short read, I’d like to think that on a long bus ride somewhere, he will pick it up and read it. And I hope he likes it.

 

 

 

 

Here’s about 5 minutes of his fantastic performance from that night. At about 5:50 you can watch me make my awkward hand-off. Thanks to Joel Foresti for having a copy of Trashland on hand and alerting me about the existence of this video!

Strip Club Etiquette – Action Figure Therapy

“I mean, look at this goddamn mustache. It’s as beautiful and majestic as a bald eagle getting a handjob from the statue of liberty herself. I wouldn’t want to compete with that either.”

Attack of the Photo-Blog: Altered Valentine’s Day Cards (now with more creepy love from yours truly!)

My name is Constance Ann Fitzgerald and I’m addicted to Disney Princesses.

There, I’ve said it.

I’m 26 years old and I still have to talk myself out of purchasing all kinds of trivial items because there is a big fucking Cinderella painted on the side. Or more recently a Belle teacup. I NEEDED it for my morning coffee! Not every morning can be a Swamp Thing morning. Sometimes a girl needs to feel fancy…and 8 years old.

I once got in a fight with a little girl at the Disney Store in Fiesta Mall in Mesa, AZ because I was gawking at their selection of Princess Barbies.

“Why is Tinkerbell a princess barbie? She wasn’t a princess.” I said to my friend.
“Yes she was.” interjected a little girl standing near by.
“NO she wasn’t” I snapped.
“She was princess of the fairies!”
“She was JUST a fairy!”

My friend grabbed my arm and told me she was finished shopping.
Thank god. That shit could have escalated. Then I’d be doing hard time for shoving a Tinkerbell doll down some little girl’s throat and  beating her parents with the nearest giant Mickey Mouse effigy for raising such an ignorant child, instead of sharing this with you now.

I’m not sure which you would prefer. Weigh it out.

So last week when I went to the local discounted food store, because my period SERIOUSLY required a frozen pizza, I could not walk by the display of 99 cent Princess valentines. I tried. But c’mon! They were only a fucking DOLLAR!
I didn’t even look at  them. I just grabbed them and continued along my way to appease the cheese craving menstrual beast that dwells within.

I thought that maybe I would give out valentines this year. It isn’t something I usually do. I sit around and gripe about how much I dislike this Hallmark holiday and how all it does is make single people feel kind of shitty.
The typical cliche, bitter, perpetually single girl bullshit.

Well, fuck a big bunch of  that.
It’s been one hell of a year. Ups and downs, just like everyone else. But my ups are SO fucking good. So, why not share my own brand of creepy love?

I decided to alter the cards with whatever odds and ends I had in my craft bag. I’m pretty pleased with what came out of an hour or so of decorating with whatever was on hand.
Despite the unforgivable princess swap. I mean, who really gives a flying fuck about the Frog Princess? WHERE THE FUCK IS ARIEL?!?! That’s what happens at the used food store.
Click to enlarge images

“He loves me for my MIND!”

Googly eyes make everything better

To make it more fun, only two of them are really MEANT for specific people. Everyone else just has to close their eyes and pick one from the envelope.

If you’re a local, stop by and pick one out. If not, I can probably send you one.

I spent the actual holiday eating burritos with friends and watching Battlestar Galactica. Valentine’s Day isn’t so bad after all.

Avoid Breaking Hearts, Your Wallet and Being Set on Fire This Valentine’s Day!

As a girl who has never had a legitimate boyfriend or any kind of normal, stable relationship I am not qualified to tell you how to make this the best Valentine’s Day ever.
But I CAN give you some ideas for gifts that aren’t the same old bullshit.

Girls love chocolate. I will not dispute that.

They can't control themselves. Look at this bitch. She won't even share.

In fact, I encourage you to purchase chocolate in addition to any of the following gift ideas for your sweet pea, honey bun, sugar pie, or vomit kitten.
…what?

 

 

 

 

Check out these awesome and affordable (if not ridiculously cheap) gift ideas to make the swooning and googly eyes happen.

 

Bradley Sands Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy
From Amazon: “Bizarro humorist Bradley Sands returns with one of the strangest, most hilarious collections of the year.
In Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, the pope gets sued, a headless man falls in love with a bowl of rice, and architects dismantle the earth. A war breaks out over greeting cards. A suicidal amputee tries to kill himself. William S. Burroughs becomes an amateur archaeologist and Tao Lin drinks an ape-flavored smoothie.
Between a breakfast of clocks, a lunch date with Adolf Hitler, and breakdancing in outer space, anything is possible in the work of Bradley Sands. Just never wear a bear costume to an orgy. “
And it’s FREE for Kindle now!

So much smoulder that he'll let you buy some for $5

Personalized Sonnets from THE Garrett Cook- Just $5!
Want a heart felt and romantic gift? Let Garrett Cook do all the heart-feeling for you, while making your lover think you have an ounce of poetry in your soul. They never need know the difference.
For all they know, your love for them inspired you to compose sonnets of love and adoration. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Click HERE for more details!

 

 

No, seriously. Free shit. Use the promo code.

Sex Toys!
Because you’re already in the giving spirit, so may as well take it there. Go big or go home…alone.
Valentine’s Day used to be about massacres and gore and MAYHEM!
Fortunately it has taken a much sexier course.
Right now at adamandeve.com if you enter  the code “LOVESEX” (because we all do) you will receive 50% off your order, FREE porno DVDs, FREE shipping, and a FREE sexy mystery gift!
(While you’re using, and enjoying, our promo code, maybe stop by loveandsexwithlex.com or iTunes and download one or all TEN hilarious and educational episodes of the podcast Love and Sex with Lex!)

Even the logo is fucking cute

The Gift of Style
Give your lady something sweet, stylish, and unique from Doe Eyed and Pigeon Toed to round out her Valentine’s day look.

 

 

 

"My name's Gypsy, what's yours?"

Burlesque Classes with Bombshell Betty
Because nothing is sexier than self confidence…except a little strut and a sweet ensemble.
Click HERE to find out about all the services Bombshell Betty has to offer!

 

 

But nothing beats a stolen from the internet handmade Valentine:

Interview with Constance Ann Fitzgerald

Reblogged from spikemarlowe:

Constance Ann Fitzgerald is a smart lady who wields a mean pen. Her first book, Trashland A Go-Go, is beloved by readers, reviewers and me.

An outtake from this interview was posted at Bizarro Central yesterday.

Coco, the heroine of Trashland a Go-Go has a pseudo sidekick in Rudy the fly. Would you tell us about your awesome sidekick, real or imagined?

Read more… 501 more words

Spike Marlowe's interview with yours truly <3

NBAS '11: Trashland A Go-Go by Constance Ann Fitzgerald

Reblogged from Dreadful Tales:

What do you get when you mix Alice in Wonderland with an incredibly strange acid trip at a nudie bar, followed by a late night screening of every weirdo b-grade cult movie you’ve ever seen? You get the phenomenal first effort of Constance Ann Fitzgerald, Trashland A Go-Go… and a huge case of envy.

From Amazon:

Coco takes off her clothes for a living, until some nasty little bitch kills her while she’s dancing.

Read more… 883 more words

Day 4 of the NBAS 2011-2012 takeover at DreadfulTales: Trashland A Go-Go! Check out the awesome review and maybe subject yourself to the interview <3

Dreadful Tales Gets Weird

Reblogged from Dreadful Tales:

Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve read no less than 12 insanely off-the-wall books I’ve ever seen. That’s a lot to digest in such a short amount of time, approximately something like 1200 (or more) pages of the weirdest shit you’ve ever laid your eyes on. And that’s also on top of the books I’ve checked out in the mean-time, and the…

Read more… 796 more words

The 2011-2012 NBAS is taking over Dreadful Tales for NINE DAYS!

New From Skurvy Ink: Trashland A Go-Go T-shirts!

You know you wanna wear me

Now I’m like a fucking rock band! I have t-shirts!

Design by Justin T Coons

Get your TRASHLAND A GO-GO t-shirts at Skurvy Ink.com !

Skurvy Ink boasts tons fantastic bizarro shirts like Andrew Goldfarb, Kevin Shamel , Eraserhead and Swallowdown Press and many more!
Get your Bizarro gear today!

And if you haven’t gotten your copy of Trashland A Go-Go, never fear! The link for purchase is HERE!